What are we showing folks about ourselves when we needlessly perform?
Trauma and the art of performing
When I experienced trauma, in many ways my growth was stunted. My mind had shifted from being a kid to being a survivor. This impacted every area of my life. In the old days, I used to tell folks not to put AOL on their computer because it was like a spider with a leg in every folder. Trauma is this way too. It changed everything, including conversations.
I thought conversations were an opportunity to perform for a long time. I wouldn’t have told you that if you had asked me. I wasn’t honest yet and I really didn’t know I was doing it. You know who else does this? Kids.
Turning 16 at 35.
See, I was still a kid at 35. When it dawned on me and I accepted it, then tried to change, I got a little better. “A little better” is usually what I go for. It doesn’t even have anything to do with other folks. It has to do with honesty and what I’m willing to work on any given day.
Honesty isn’t just in communication with other folks. It’s admitting hard things to yourself, about yourself. I used people. Acted crazy. Hurt people. Many times I didn’t even know what I did. It was a blur of confusion and anger. I don’t live that way today. I’m nicer to myself, nicer to others.
See, I didn’t think I deserved much. That’s trauma. It’s at the root of many issues. The fact is I deserve what anyone does. That’s just being honest. But it’s hard to tell myself that sometimes. Honesty isn’t all tough and bad. Sometimes it means shooting down the bad thoughts with an honest look.
Making a list..
I make “Pros & Cons” lists of myself frequently. I try to write down everything good about me, and everything bad. It’s interesting to me because there’s always more good than bad. I’m working hard to be honest too. But there’s more pros than cons and I have a very hard time accepting it, even though it’s staring at me in black and white. Trauma.
This has to do with music in that I get to write songs about these tiny revelations that help me keep going. The music helps me perform. So now, in conversation, I get to just listen. I’m always able to perform with a guitar. Talking is nice now. I enjoy it.
If you’re stuck somewhere, I hope you find an honest way out. It makes for a good song or a laugh someday. I hope you’re able to truly converse with friends and receive their words. I hope if you suffered trauma, you still aren’t a kid like I was.
Return to home.
I used to work a guitar shop. I would make videos when it was empty and play for kids sometimes. It was hard to not play guitar with so many nice ones everywhere. This is just me, playing an old Young MC rap song I love. “Stone Cold Buggin’.” It’s unique, short, and fun…. kinda’ like a great weekend. Enjoy.
(for anyone curious, Stone Cold Buggin’ by Young MC is on the B side to “Bust a move.” At least it was when I was a kid.)