It’s beginning to look a lot like..
I take precautionary measures when November hits. I don’t know much, but I do know I’ll probably have depression at some point over the holidays.
Every year, I’m all, “what the fuck is everyone celebrating?” This year is no exception. I just don’t see it. The world is harsh, cruel, and not suitable for parties. If you’re celebrating anything, you must be up to something. I don’t buy it. Why force it?
I realize I’m a drag of a human, but I’m glad one of us is. In case you missed the news all year, things aren’t fucking jolly.
Sometimes folks struggle during the holidays because of memories, I’m struggling to see a future. I’m not like them but I still don’t see the point of continuing.🤷
Keri is the main person on the planet right now who talks honest with me, besides dad most of the time, and my friend the doc. Was told last night to avoid pitying myself by another friend who meant well. I don’t know where folks get this shit. Between mom killing my dogs, my family and even grandparents beating me senseless, sexual abuse, and my kids ghosting my ass, I’m supposed to pretend as if I’m not bitter or feeling sorry for myself? That’s bias.
(Side-note, since talked with friend and he clarified what he meant. But I am leaving this up here because this is the same thing folks said from AA who told me to go out and drink some more. They said, “you love being the victim.” I don’t. But I don’t know how to not be one either, because I am one. I learned from my own kids I was not old enough to deal with the hand I was dealt. Totally innocent bystander to adult shit all around me. So.)
Pity the Fool
When you’re a for real victim, you have carte blanche to “pity yourself” around this house. I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t a victim of something in their lives. You honestly think if you can’t own that, it makes it better? Has it ever occurred to you that is a form of gas-lighting yourself?
Religion and music.
Reminds me of folks who tell musicians to “be humble” after they work their entire lives to be on stage. You be humble. No humble person tells someone on stage to be humble. So, fuck off, humblers.
Pity your inner child. You’d be better off if that child didn’t have to spend so much effort focused on survival. If you can’t find pity for that child, you won’t see it in the world, and we need that!
Forgiving is believing.
Forgiveness often comes up as a means of progression. Been told about it again recently. Reminder, forgiveness is a religious concept. Therefore in my mind, bad. Animals don’t forgive, religion. Forgiving folks who abused me even though they’re dead is a very religious bullshit thing to me. How in the world is that supposed to happen if I don’t believe in god or spirits? But sure enough, therapists suggest it.
I realize I’m a tough egg. But it wouldn’t be so tough if most folks in my life weren’t brainwashed. Between Jesus and Social Media, I don’t stand a chance. If you happen to not be into those things and notice how crazy folks are, would love to rap about it: [email protected]
My gratitude list.
I’m very grateful to Keri, my dad, and the doc. I feel I have a good shot with them in my corner. Before diagnosis, I had friends and kids that enjoyed being around me. I guess those days are over, but I never really thought I was THAT bad if you knew me. Guess I was.
Can you just be present in a room with someone, if you can’t, who is mentally ill?
If you know someone struggling through the holidays, I encourage you to visit, but not judge. Offer comfort, not Jesus. Just be there. Sometimes that’s the job, breathing.
If you do not know anyone struggling during the holidays, I encourage you to actually get to know people. Statistically, no social circle is safe. Depression can kill, too. Maybe you’re needed somewhere to watch old movies and be with someone?
Return to home.
