My experience so far.
No secret, I was abused as a kid. No one you know or I talk about was the culprit. I say this because I hope to prevent anyone out there recovering from taking advice that suggests “forgiveness” to whoever abused or traumatized you. I wasted a lot of time on that. I hope it’s smoother for you.
Forgiving someone doesn’t help survivor-types. If someone shows us who they are, why forget that? The only, and I do mean ONLY REASON is to let predators off the hook.
Think about church.
Church wants you to forgive folks who do awful things. They tell you a new level of recovery is possible if you’re able to do it. The milestone is forgiveness, there’s power in it, then you’re home free.
I’ve been told this by many counselors, church folk, AA, even family and friends. It’s pretty f*cking suggestive of a severe lack of knowledge of what I went through being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a kid.
Say you aren’t a survivor without saying you aren’t a survivor.
If you’re a survivor, no one but another survivor can come close to imagining what it’s like when folks talk about shit they have no clue about. It’s frustrating when they come up with, “one day you’ll forgive those folks and it will be better.”
Church has their reasons for teaching this philosophy and it isn’t science or Jesus. It’s to harbor the powerful men who abuse people. That’s why they preach forgiveness. It’s not because of what you went through, it’s so they can keep doing it.
In the animal kingdom..
In the wild, forgiveness makes no sense at all. When someone “trespasses against us,” they provide valuable information. Folks know rattlesnakes before they even see them. The noise sends a chill down my spine. But they’re ok. I’ve forgiven them, right?
Ever talk to a non-religious therapist?
I’ve been to therapy with doctors and science involved, guess what? No forgiveness talk. It’s a church thing. Church is a victim farm. Of course they teach that. They actually need it to keep f*cking up peoples’ lives.
Forgiveness is enabling. I think it’s actually wrong. Why in the world pretend like something horrible never happened? On a national scale we have pretend special days on the anniversaries of traumatic events not to forgive those who harmed us, but to come together for healing. We even say “never forget.” Why not do that for actual victims still living? If you preach forgiveness, you rob people of that healing and enable them to get hurt again, thanks. Life was trying to tell them it’s dangerous, you sh*t all over that with stuff that doesn’t even make any damn sense. It simply opens the door to it happening again. You’re a real hero.
Church hasn’t taught me anything but how to be good in church. That includes taking my abuse like Jesus would, or something. I’m not into that.
Acceptance is key, (if you fancy yourself a religious counselor).
If you love religion or Jesus or spirits, please accept that you’re not automatically equipped to help others deal with trauma or abuse. In fact, you’re a set back. You’re also one with work to do still.
It’s very disturbing to open up to folks about the sh*t that went down (who have asked, but I no longer do this) with how gross and violent it is, then get told I need to forgive the folks responsible. All you’re saying to someone like me is “it wasn’t that bad.”
I assure you it was.
Return to home
Here’s a small article from Huffpo about “Toxic Forgiveness.”
