Nice to meet you, whoever you are.
I’ve been dubious of engagement online for a long time. It’s not that I don’t like people, it’s that I do.
When we “meet” someone online, we often aren’t aware of using our imagination. We use it to fill in gaps we don’t know about them. It’s really an imagination exercise. Some folks are good at it. Which is to say, they’re good at making things up.
Projection, and more!
I’ve talked about projection before and how awful it is to experience it. But we have to do it in online relationships. I don’t see how you get around it. There’s simply more we don’t know than we do know about most folks we “know.”
We create the world we see. That does not mean we do it on purpose. We’re just filling in blanks. For whatever reason many of us want online interactions over face to face ones. They might feel more safe. Or it’s easier. There’s good reasons. But reasons don’t make it right.
Don’t look at me, just listen.
One reason I prefer online communication is folks can’t see me, or hear me talk fast and sputter out words. I feel like my writing voice is the best voice at the moment to open my brain up with. Talking doesn’t represent the best “me.” I’m actually relying on your imagination if you read me and don’t actually know me. I feel bad about it.
If you saw me in person, I’m pretty sure most folks wouldn’t like me. I’m overweight by a hefty amount. I breathe very loudly. I make grunts and noises I can’t help from Tardive Dyskinesia. I have a hard time with eye contact. My jaw is constantly grinding my teeth to splinters. I take a lot of medication for Bipolar Disorder and other things. I’m a mess. I want you to know that. But I also want you to enjoy me. Haha.
Wasted energy.
It helps to think about no one else having their shit together too. I can be honest. But I’m not sure that’s “real.” No matter how many details I give, you have to imagine the gaps in your head. I wonder if you didn’t have to imagine shit about me or others all day. Would you have some imagination power left for music?
I think our imagination gets tired. If we use it picturing online pals all day, it doesn’t have much in the tank for lyrics. It also lacks resources for that bridge you’ve been working on. There’s a tendency to suggest folks to be “open-minded.” I’m selective there. I do not want to give bullshit the time of day with my imagination. I have music to work on that helps that. Saving imagination powers for the music.
What’s the damage anyway? Who are you hurting? Answer: everyone.
Sometimes, you have to say no if you’re me. Can’t imagine it all. So I imagine what I’m good at imagining, besides what folks are wearing, their tone of voice, their house. I mean whatever. Could be anything. It’s your brain, not mine.
I think imagination is one reason Trump was elected too. And not the good kind of imagination. People literally imagined him doing something good. There’s no evidence for that ever, anything good at all. All in your head. Social media “groomed” us there.
Writing is important to know yourself. Mood diary.
I’ll be honest, I mostly keep this site as a mood diary being a bipolar patient. I don’t seem to get hooked to writing “imagining” myself as the audience. But I need to write every day. This way, I have a journal of moods. I can look at it if I need that information. I often can’t tell where I’m at. It helps to see where I’ve been, type of thing. I’ve even been able to figure out where I’m headed with this site a few times. I do not get that information any other way. It’s valuable to me.
If audiences are nice, and crowds aren’t, what’s going on there?
So I get wanting an audience, I really do. I didn’t know I’d get so many readers. I’m as honest as I know how to be here. It isn’t surprising folks like to read something “real.” That’s what I hope for when reading, even fiction. Many folks out there simply hope for a spot in your imagination. Not what I’m after. So, no fluff.
With me? Online interactions made me feel important. They made me feel like “the man.” So I gave that shit up. I’m more interested in not feeling alone. That important feeling is a sure fire path to loneliness, I’ve learned. I’m not imagining friends online much anymore. I have a couple of “real” friends I wouldn’t trade for the world. Probably why everyone is on social media. It really is work to maintain friendships, no imagination required. Hard stuff. I can see the lure of the imagination route. No judging here, just sharing what I’ve found.
Return to home.
Future entries include music and more bipolar talk. Politics! Yay. If you would like to chat one on one in email, I’m all about it. I feel like I am performing if chatting in big rooms. Email helps me feel like I’m actually talking to one person. It’s a mind trip, I know. Working on it. [email protected].
Something I’ve been doing, fun. You’re invited. Thanks.
PS: I have been enjoying finding music on the radio and Apple Music that is purely AI generated. I like sending those out, but I don’t want to bother anyone. If you’d like to be on the list, happy to add. Probably won’t be forever as there’s more and more. I don’t want to send a thousand emails a day. I also don’t want to listen to all that bullshit. But right now, it’s at a fun pace. Can enjoy laughing about the Rocky-sounding songs knowing it’s a computer talking. Fun. Anyway, if you need that, it’s there. Email up there is fine. Thanks!🙏
PSS: AI music has everything to do with this entry by the way. Would folks dig it if they weren’t imagining people to start with? Why are folks so good at that, anyway? See, they’re wearing us out creatively. That works well for fascists, historically. I look at my Mac Mini and imagine it singing this one:
Thanks for hanging out. I realize I can be tough sometimes. I am not trying to be. I’m just trying to figure shit out while you watch. Thanks.
