Warning, I was abused. (no details)
I was abused sexually, physically, and emotionally as a kid. I survived. But it left a mark. It made weird things pop up in my behavior as an adult. Could have made me bipolar, could have been at the root of a ton of problems. I never knew until I got help as an adult, but I am a real deal survivor.
Abuse takes on the role of a computer virus in the human brain. It impacts development, decision making, mood, and joy for life. So, thanks, abusers.
No thanks, Jesus. (I’m a survivor)
Years ago when I tried to get help, church was involved and told me how to forgive those that abused me. Like, that’s what Jesus would do. Jesus and I parted ways then. If Jesus didn’t want to hear about my abuse, it was because he was a prick. His only excuse is that he doesn’t exist. Otherwise he’s a jerk.
Being a survivor is a today thing. It isn’t something I’m proud of that happened years ago. I’m still plagued with thoughts being judged, danger, uselessness, and a host of other negative emotions. I struggled with behavior and drug use. I struggle with attention span and depression. But go ahead, forgive those assholes.
What’s this about? (Hint: It has to do with surviving.)
I’d like to see focus on victims, not making sure perpetrators are okay. I realize the perps often have a lot of money and a penis, even stature (in church + politics) so they are higher up the chain, but if we are constantly focused on them, we ignore the victims.
Remember Diddy?
Diddy beat a rap he was all but hammered for. Chances are if he got off, the president will too. What about the folks they hurt? If they’re anything like me, they could use a hand. They are probably hurting still. Maybe my job is for them, not in a courtroom. There’s enough of us, we should be able to do both.
All my life I’ve seen rapists get off. I don’t think that’s likely to change, sadly. However, I can help someone who needs it have a decent day. Take what we can get.
My 12-Steps experience. (As a survivor.)
I was in AA for seven years, sober, in the 2000’s. I was kicked out and told to go drink again because I “just liked being the victim.” It destroyed me. I did drink again. For a long time. AA.
God is a perp, (if he’s anything).
God does not help victims, he’s a perp. How could he? Victims are still frowned on, why? Because that’s what god does. The whole racket is designed to make victims. Nothing church does is designed to make folks stronger, independent, and thinking for themselves. They’re victims. Takes one to know one.
Google it.
Both church and AA have “success rates” of a placebo if you google. Why are they so popular? Why do judges send folks there? It’s not because of perpetrators. It’s because they got a survivor on their hands and they want to be home by dinner. God says it’s okay. So.
I’d start asking questions. That’ll piss them off.
I had to question everything and when I did, I found enormous efforts out there keeping folks like me silent with talk of forgiving, gratitude, grace, yada. Hell, even during the election when I had questions I was told, “shut up vote blue,” like a second-class citizen who hasn’t been voting for the last 30 years. It’s one thing to get that from MAGA’s, but I felt betrayed by the Dems. We have to listen, slow down, stop projecting, and pay attention. Or we all sound the same, no matter which side we sit on.
What is resistance, after all? (Surviving again.)
I hope someone reads this and hears me. Look at the folks being hurt for a second. You’re not turning your back on perps by doing so. It’s actually resistance. To get started on help, here’s some stuff: Cleveland Clinic on abuse should get ya’ going.
Return home.
Hostage.
“Written about a crisis I went through in 2010. It was when I was first diagnosed a Bipolar. I was driving around the country, looking for meth and old girlfriends before I wound up at a hospital near my father’s in New York. This is that song for me. The stage sound comes from this mania phase I go through where everything and every sound feels as if it’s on stage. It was fun when I was a kid, but now it doesn’t feel “right.””
-from The Kintners on Bandcamp.
Links, audio player, art.
Wrote this song after a personal revelation. Those ones are always fun. Went through the wringer. But I survived, again.
Hostage, by The Kintners on bandcamp.
