Ever have a super bad cataclysmic kind of day? For no reason??
I had a very bad day yesterday. It got so bad I was considering drastic action and more isolation. I said, “I feel back at square one.” Meaning I could not summon the benefit of years of therapy, treatment, and meds for bipolar disorder. I ended up okay. Thanks, Keri.
Not much was wrong. Having some issues with the site. But not in any fights or anything. I just have meltdowns sometimes?
Making sense of that nonsense.
The morning after.. I feel very tired. Exhausted. But I am different on the inside. No tension. I don’t know what happens. But it happens.
I think I feel like it’s the end of the world on the inside too. I say it a lot, but I really mean it. It adds stress to your life when you believe that. I do not give a flying flip about the Bible, I’m talking about science, politics, human nature. I’d almost take the Bible version compared to what humans are capable of, not that they weren’t capable of the Bible. But we have had much more practice at being cruel since.
I don’t know how not to think it’s all over when it actually is. Maybe that’s not the tactic. Maybe I’m supposed to make the best of the end of the world. Or maybe, there’s just no happiness under these conditions and we have to oust the mega wealthy from their perches and take back what they stole.
I like the last one.
You see, most of us are victims of theft.
The top income asshats are thieves of freedoms and security. They stole education. Art. Music. Government. Literature. They tampered with truth. The thieves even got spare time and dignity. I do not feel bad taking it all back.
In my world in local music, a guitar thief is like the lowest class of human. For many years, a prominent musician in town told everyone I wanted to work with I stole his guitar. We didn’t go to same high school. I hardly know the guy. Yet he even told my son I stole a guitar. Recently, I learned he had mistaken me for someone else. But the damage was done. I’m very bitter about that. I’ve lost opportunities and gained a rift in a relationship because I “fit the description.”
These folks have stolen the world. They’ll never stop. They do not care. This isn’t them fitting the description, the net worth proves it.
How do I get better?
I won’t ask god for help, that’s what they say to do. God is the work of the elite class, not the other way around. Fuck them.
I don’t think now is the time to hold hands and negotiate. I think it’s time to take back what is ours. We may be at the end. It’s because of them. I wouldn’t mind helping them realize that by taking everything they consider important and giving it away. Maybe there’d be a room in an unairconditioned prison cell for them. It’s the best they deserve. Then my meltdown situation would be better, I reckon.
No more meltdowns. How do I get there? It’s really frustrating as hell being in treatment, hospitals, and on meds for ten years or more and still have them. I feel like something isn’t working or I failed. Then I realized I am not giving myself the same grace I advocate for with the mentally ill.
I have to practice what I preach, (even on myself).
I definitely take a lot of shit because I agree with it, even if I don’t realize it. Meltdowns might be an inevitability under duress with my diagnosis. “Natural” if you will. Yet, I can’t forgive myself after one, even though no one got hurt and I didn’t yell..
Maybe that’s the angle. Some kind of grace thing. I have an appointment today. I’ll rap with the doc about it.
Please don’t suffer. Get help.
I hope if you’re suffering, these honest entries help you out. It’s hard being honest, especially when you don’t know if anyone listens. But I somehow have hope this does some good out there. The Mental Health Hotline.
Thanks. 🙏
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