Getting to know myself.
I’ve been reading about PTSD and trauma. I’m trying to learn how I tick. I experienced some traumatic events as a kid, then later as an adult. I won’t go into details. I’m not opposed to them, they’re just not that important. Trauma, even though I have experienced it, isn’t really about me. It’s more about how folks talk about it.
Trauma isn’t something everyone goes through. It also doesn’t end after the traumatic events. It’s reprogramming as a result of danger or abuse. It lasts until it’s de-programmed.
A little about my history.
As a kid, I experienced horrific abuse at the hands of professionals. This permanently changed me. Even if I’m recovered from it. It turned the lights on and I saw the creepy crawlies slithering in humanity. I was 5. That was over 40 years ago. Still changed. Don’t know what not-changed is.
When you see and experience humans doing awful things it triggers what’s known as fight or flight responses. The scary notion to me is I did not have that for whatever reason. Most likely, it had happened before that and I don’t remember.
It continued to happen for a long time. Different folks. Different cities. I had been programmed to take it. I had been changed. This right here, trauma.
Flash forward, I’m I big boy and like hell anyone is going to touch me how I don’t want. But I’m still different, even though I’m able to protect myself now. I’m changed. I have to be, even though I don’t know it. My life has revolved about being repeatedly raped as a child.
Will I ever escape the hell in my head? Probably not. But I do get a lot of happiness these days with friends who make me feel safe. What I go for.
“Survival Mode.”
I’ve been in survival mode for a long time. Witnessed an accidental shooting death at 17. A bad divorce years ago kicked it up, then trump kicks it up. (Rapist, fact.). I think some folks like making victims hide and shut up. Even if they aren’t rapists, they just don’t want to think about it. I do not have time for these people.
Making America Great Again? Really?
Raping women and kids has been a part of warfare since time began. Going back to the “good ole’ days” involves a lot of rape. Not a fan.
If you’re wondering what helps trauma victims, it’s a safe environment. Unless you’re sitting on a ton of money, you don’t have that here in the U.S. If you wonder why I hate MAGAs so much, it’s that. They threaten me and folks like me. Security. National Security. Traumatized folks ain’t going to magically heal up here.
Protest and music.
My major activity that helps me feel better and sleep well? Protest and music. I’ve combined them, I’ve kept them separate, now they’re pretty much the same thing. Since the MAGAs hate good music and decent thinking, I’m actually recovering somewhat by protesting. I might not be sticking up for me as a kid. But there’s kids out there and I would feel a lot better if I assisted in their trauma prevention. Goals.
God and politics.
Preachers and politicians here have a pretty bad record when it comes to sex, gas-lighting, rape, and money. There’s no logical reason to feel safe around politics or church. In fact, that might explain the voter turnout, depending on how many folks out there are traumatized. Voting doesn’t register as something to do when you’re focused on survival. It should, but it just doesn’t make the cut. That could be what some folks are going for.
The dream.
If you have experienced trauma, I hope you are safe now. I hope you’re not triggered all the time. I hope folks in your life understand. I hope healing is happening every day. But I know better.
Dear Russ,
Russell Vought said he wanted to “traumatize” people. So do child molesters, Russ. So do child molesters.
And he’s pretty much running the joint.
return to home.
A song on BandCamp that Keri wrote. “Picking Flowers.”
Picking Flowers is a tune Keri wrote about the conflicting emotions you might experience while loving someone who suffers from addiction. Enjoy. It’s free on BandCamp.