A word of advice..
“Just be yourself.”
One of the many things I’ve discovered about being yourself in the open is a lot of folks don’t like that. People tell you to “be yourself” all the damn time as a musician. But it seems like when you take their advice, they vanish. It’s because it’s true, they do.
You do not know what you think you know.
Advice online is stupid. Unless you’re intimately familiar with someone and their problem, you don’t have anything for them. Yet, folks offer up dumb shit like “just be yourself” on the daily. It’s plain irresponsible.
Many musicians have careers to lose by being themselves, or they could be putting themselves in danger coming out in the open right now. Some may not be good at what they themselves like, but good at what others like. There’s tons of reasons to not be yourself. Good ones! But we aren’t thinking about those reasons when we give advice. We should be. Also, whether or not a person is “themselves” is completely irrelevant to the caliber of music they put out. So why say it? That’s the issue, right? Why do we say this dumb shit?
Is this for me or you?
Giving advice is for the person giving it, typically. They’d like to talk. They can’t be cool and start their own site or write their own songs, write their own stories, so they hound musicians and other folks online, giving them a piece of their mind. Advice is one of the main reasons I quit social media. A daily thing. Folks think they know who you are, then they yap about what you should be doing. No thanks. I got enough people in my head already.
Projection, (again).
Projection is nearly always involved. Not only do folks think they know the problem, they think they know you. Double dumb shit. They just have good imaginations.
When I was a woman online..
I know folks project online on social media badly. Before I showed my face online, I just was “Kelly.” Many folks thought I was a woman. I mean, I guess that’s why I got dick pics and called sassy by quasi-“normal” dudes. They projected the wrong sex on me just because of my name and proceeded to treat me like garbage. Another reason I quit social media: no one knows me! That’s kinda’ what I was after. Never happened. Even old “friends” said things like, “you’d be cooler as an artist were it not for your mental health issues.” You can’t possibly know who I am and say that shit without expecting me to take offense to it.
Sorry, guys. But it’s mostly men.
Men, in general, suck. They sucked when I was a kid, they suck as an adult. I don’t trust them. I’ve met more bad ones than good ones. We’re just awful. Lots of reasons. Sure there’s good guys, but I promise we aren’t the norm. Most dudes are bad guys.🤷. I know, they often mistake me for one of them, or I’m the subject of their ire. Advice is generally a men problem. We have to stroke our ego, among other things. I hate it.
How about simple acknowledgement?
If you’re a man giving advice on social media, try not doing that. Try saying “sounds rough,” in your own words. Gauge if folks are asking for that acknowledgment or advice.. you might be surprised.
You stepped in advice!
Whether you want to converse, feel important, or show off, unwanted advice is like stepping in online dog shit. It really is. Like “dammit, really!?” Many times advice givers give advice before knowing the problem. It’s because they are not there and like hearing themselves talk. I’d do a website.
Do a site!
Sure I like hearing myself talk, but at least this way, with my site, I’m not bothering folks on their posts. Many advice-givers don’t realize they’re really into performing. I made my own platform for that, you’re welcomed to visit. I like my blog. Feel free to email and talk, thekintnersmusic@gmail.com.
Fear is the mind killer.
I think the reason folks do what they do online a lot of times is they’re afraid and alone. No one wants to be irrelevant. It happens. Doesn’t mean you’re bad. Doesn’t mean you’re empty. There’s historically bad shit happening at the moment. It’s going to be rough. It’s going to feel lonely at times when you’re the only one you know with truths. It’s grounds for conflict! They know this. Bullies have been counting on you to feel alone for centuries. Now they have data scientists.
Just say no to giving unwanted advice to strangers online. Thanks.
Kelly Kintner